To the Makers of the Veet Bikini Hair Removal Kit

Thanks to your product, the only things I have succeeded in removing tonight are my self-esteem and several layers of skin cells in what is a sensitive and now very tender area.

I’d especially like to congratulate you on breaking new ground with the quality of your “soothing cucumber follow-up lotion.” I extend to you an invitation to visit my butt crack, which, thanks to your lotion, now packs more lubrication than the several pouches of Strawberry Wet Glide (graciously donated by Planned Parenthood) which have accumulated in the drawer where I keep my pot.

The feeling of my ass cheeks sliding together with every move not only harks back to my diapered infancy but also pleasantly reminds me that, due to my still-fucking-hairy bikini line, I will certainly not be getting any.

By my pal Fonty (written back in the day when we worked on a humor rag in college)