by James Gordon

Sometimes I’ll be hanging out with my friends in a bar or walking around the city when I spot an attractive girl and give her the once-over, but then dismiss her for 100% retarded reasons like ‘Christ, her belt doesn’t even match her shoes,’ or ‘Who the fuck does she think she’s kidding with those highlights?’ Approximately ninety seconds later I’ll have a brief yet concentrated Wait, Am I Gay? moment which I brush off but also sort of stew on for awhile.

Those moments accumulate at a rate of maybe six per year, but then I come across a picture like this and my eyes bug out and my nostrils flare and I grin and cackle like a nine-year-old boy. “Nope, definitely straight,” I reaffirm. (Rebuttal: Top Gun is the gayest movie ever made.)

Note: If there are any gay dudes out there who are also reduced to drooling simpletons upon seeing a picture of an awesome jet totally shrieking through the atmosphere, please write me so I can alter my worldview (basically an unsteady Jenga tower of stereotypes) and sheepishly delete this post.