The Letters of Gary Benchley, Rock Star

Too long for a quote post:

Then Jad says ‘I think I’ll go to the jewelry store and get you a real pearl necklace,’ and mom hits him with a dishtowel, open-mouthed and smiling. For some reason they think I don’t know what this is, and then as I put the waffles into my mouth all I can think about is Jad, who has been married to my mother for five months, smashing the pig all over my mom’s admittedly ample and still-firm bosoms.

…

After the pearl necklace breakfast, I called my friend Carl and explained the situation. He sympathized, and told me I could crash on his couch for a week while I tried to look for an apartment. And the plan was hatched. Jad, who is not a bad guy when he’s not welding my mom’s eyes shut, agreed to drive me down.

‘Smashing the pig’ and the welding bit—two awesome euphemisms in one article. There was a bit of a hullabaloo over this series when the real author was revelaed, but whatever. Go read it.